These days it’s easy to select the non-binary (or any gender diverse) option on a dating app without really thinking about what it’s like to date someone who isn’t cisgender. Sure, you’re a person hanging out with another person – how different could it be?
Well, you would be surprised by some of the distinctions. If you’re straight and cis (let alone white and non-disabled), you may never have thought much about how you and your partners move through the world. How you perceive yourself and each other, plus how everyone else views you together.
Suddenly jumping into the world of non-binary dating will probably mean more self-awareness, communication, and challenges than you’re used to in your relationships. The good news is that all of this is very rewarding and will benefit your current and future relationships and friendships.
So, here are some important ways to reflect on your behaviour, plus conversations you can initiate when you give non-binary dating a try. Most of this advice applies to dating any gender-diverse person, be they trans+, genderfluid, bigender, agender, or genderqueer (like me). I’ve also asked some of my non-binary friends for their perspectives on this topic. I hope these suggestions and insights are helpful for your future dating adventures.
What not to ask on your first date
There’s one question you may think is an obvious way to show interest and gain insight on a first date with an enby (i.e. NB), but it’s actually challenging to answer. “Don’t ask “What’s it like being non-binary?” says my friend Harri, a writer based in Madrid. “It’s similar to being asked, “What’s it like being a woman? Or what’s it like being cis? Or even, what’s it like being German?” Think about how challenging it would be to answer questions like this yourself.
Similarly, don’t ask someone to disclose their biological sex. I often get asked this by cis men, and it feels like they’re checking what I have in my pants. If you’re that fixated on genitals, you probably shouldn’t be dating someone who is non-binary.
Remember that not everyone was assigned female at birth (AFAB) or male at birth (AMAB). Some people are intersex, an umbrella term for differences in sex traits or reproductive anatomy. While intersex folks make up a small portion of the population, they do exist and may not want to explain this to you on a first date in public.
Check in with them before you go out in public
I’m lucky to have a fellow non-binary sibling, Iain, an entrepreneur, educator and bartender based in Brooklyn. When I asked them about dating, one key area came up. They recommended cis folks check in with their new enby partner to discuss navigating gender assumptions before going out in public. For example, how to handle a stranger using the wrong pronouns. “Many people will be drawing decisions based on physical presentation. It’s so great to know the person beside you is on your level or at least knows where you’re at,” says Iain.
One of the loveliest examples of this I’ve heard of was related to restaurant bookings. A friend of mine mentioned how a former partner would use this reservation call to make sure the waitstaff were aware of their date’s pronouns informatiivinen viesti and ensure the restaurant didn’t use any terms like “ladies” or “guys” when serving them. It’s a simple thing to do but has an enormous impact on how your dinner goes.
They may use different language for their body
After suffering through a sex ed class in high school, where your teacher awkwardly pointed out names for different parts, you may think that everyone refers to their bodies using set terms. However, how we see and experience our bodies is highly personal, and we get to shape the language we use for it.